http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/ tjndaltx's recent blog posts on StumbleUpon en-us Sun, 07 Sep 2008 03:10:54 -0700 Sun, 11 May 2008 02:49:51 -0700 http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/ http://cdn.stumble-upon.com/images/logo_su_36x36.png Mon, 07 Apr 2008 09:24:37 -0700 http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19700416/ http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19700416/
For a time, U.S. government experts encouraged such actions because they believed a weak dollar would turn the deficit in our trade into surpluses. They were wrong, as our huge trade imbalance shows.

The government finally started voicing support for a strong dollar in 1997. Be aware that it was mere vocal support with no change in policies. This combined with wobbly stability in some foreign currencies, especially in Europe and Asia, allowed the dollar to gain in value for a short period. But it then continued its downward trend and overall has been in decline since the late `60s.

It is imperative that America stop playing with economic statistics and commit themselves, government and private sector alike, to reduce the imbalance in our trade, reduce rapidly expanding private debt ratio, eliminate the budget deficit, reduce and ultimately eliminate our foreign debt, and encourage Americans to save. Obviously, our taste for foreign oil adds considerably to this conundrum.
Let us define debt as all American debt (the sum of federal, state, and local governments, international debt, private debt, including households, financial sector debts, business debts, and federal debt to trust funds.

From 1957 to the mid `70s, total debt was increasing at a rate that was closer to the growth of national income. This despite war debt for WW II, Korea and Vietnam. Now, total debt has escalated significantly - much faster than national income. Our entire debt is now about $52.9 trillion dollars. Our debt has soared compared to our income.
The U.S. is breaking all records for negative trade balances since 1992. In 2007, our trade deficit was $816 billion. Note that our trade deficits went negative in 1971 and except for a brief period in the `70s, have been increasingly negative.

We depend on foreign trade more than we ever have in our history. Yet, how many Americans are really prepared to be successful in a global economy? All that most of us remember is that we have basically had great times through the 60's and beyond. We don't remember the Great Depression that brought America to its knees. (Which basically ended because of our involvement in WW II).

It is interesting to note that our manufacturing capability has also fallen along with increased debt, private, business, and government debt, massive trade imbalances, and wages that do not keep pace with inflation. Further, the long-term fall of the foreign exchange value for the dollar is in line with the falling purchasing power of the dollar internally (cost of living index), the huge imbalance in trade, the soaring national debt, and the loss of manufacturing capability.]]> http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19700416/ Sun, 06 Apr 2008 17:11:36 -0700 http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19667847/ http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19667847/
My one thing is that first wife. I've already told you how she would beat me up, yell and scream at me, go into trances and rock and moan, hit, scratch, bite, kick, and pull knives on me. Many times I have made sure she was asleep before I dared close my eyes.

Being bipolar, schizophrenic, and having borderline personality disorder maybe my life would have turned out to be a zoo no matter what. But it is interesting to think if there was just one thing I had done differently.

Then there was the time she tried to seduce my brother. So all of you readers who are upset with me because I played around some and got arrested because of that 15 year old girl, just be aware there were two people in this game.

It turns out there was this church meeting of some kind in another city. Everybody wanted to go but I didn't go for whatever reason. So I stayed home.

My wife (No.1) was staying in the room right next to my brother. And it seems she had nothing but problems with her room. And it seems as if the only one who could make them right was my brother. I'm not saying my brother was a part of her machinations that night but since he was my brother he thought he should try to help my wife. So she would call him to come over to her room to help with something. I can't even remember what it was now.

Anyway, this went on for a while, and finally she asked him to come over and this time she left no doubt in my brother's mind what she wanted. When he came the last time she was wearing her nightgown and made sure he got a good look. My brother left the room quickly. And for a long time after that, she knocked on the wall in between their rooms until I guess she finally gave up. My brother wasn't sure whether to tell me or not but he finally decided it was best to let me know.

Up to that point, my experience with my wife taught me that I didn't want to do anything that would get her riled up because there was just hell to pay. So I never said anything about it. And I'm sure you're asking about what kind of communication my wife and I had.

Let me tell you about that communication. As long as there were quiet times I could survive. I would try to communicate with her but the communication never was good. What made it especially difficult were her explosions of rage and anger when either she didn't like something I said, or just because she was in a bad mood. And I wasn't mean to her or gripe at her. I had been battered so many times, physically, verbally and emotionally, I came to the point where it was no longer worth it to try and reason with her. I just merely gave up. Well, I'd give up until she would push me too far then I'd fight back verbally. I literally lived my life on eggshells.

Why did you stay in that mess I'm asked? Because in the `70s it was unheard of for a father to get custody of their children in a broken marriage. I could not leave my daughter with this woman alone. So I just stayed in it until finally my wife went so nutty she finally decided to leave. I told her she could go but she wasn't getting the house or the kids. We had two children by this time. So she agreed and we got divorced after 10 years of hell. One of the happiest days of my life.

Of course, here I was, bipolar and with all kinds of problems myself. My two children and I moved to Arizona and stayed a couple of years then I took the kids and went home to mom and dad. I really needed some help with the kids so mom and dad were good enough to let me move back in. They helped me so much. I'll never be able to thank them enough for that.

Of course, before we were divorced I had many flings. I looked for comfort and escape wherever I could find it. I was so miserable with wife No. 1. But I always spent a lot of time with my kids. I made sure they got lots of attention. With the help of my parents my kids made it and grew up well. They're both successfully married, have children, and have stable homes. Of course, as I've said before that youngest one is a little hellion at times. She's somewhat like her mother except she's never been violent and doesn't go into trances. So that's an improvement.

More flings to come.....]]> http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19667847/ Sun, 06 Apr 2008 17:08:15 -0700 http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19667731/ http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19667731/
I'm angry that my life has been so messed up. I'm angry that all of my wives have left me. I'm angry that my girlfriends are all gone. I'm angry that my first wife was so horrible to me. I'm angry that all the work I've done in my life is gone - and I have no retirement, just Social Security. I'm angry that I made such good money in the past and spent it all. I'm angry that I didn't screw some girls I could have.

I'm angry because everything I've put my hands to, has faltered and failed. I'm angry that I lose interest in everything I do. I try to get a business or relationship going and I always either run people away or lost interest. I'm angry that I just drop worthy projects without a second thought. I'm angry about all the failures.

I'm angry that I have no friends. I'm angry that I go to sleep alone every night. I'm angry that I'm sexually frustrated. I'm angry because no one ever calls me on the phone. I'm angry that friends I thought I had have all abandoned me. I'm angry over being bipolar.

I didn't ask to be bipolar - or schizophrenic - or borderline personality disorder. I'm angry because I was born the way I am. I'm angry because I did nothing to deserve the hell I've gone through. I'm angry that I'm so charming. I charm a lady, really get her interested, and then I'm angry when she finds out I'm not as charming as she thought I was.

I'm angry because I have to take medications. I'm angry because I have insomnia and can't get to sleep at night. I'm angry that I have to take medications to put me to sleep. I'm angry because I was sexually abused as a child. I'm angry because I have sexually abused many of my lovers and they cooperated. I'm angry because my mind goes so fast I can't keep up with it.

I'm angry because I am so changeable. I'm angry that I can be pious one minute, and a total jerk the next. I'm angry that I'm not interested in any thing. I'm angry that I can't seem to stay focused on anything. I'm angry because I didn't want my life to be wasted. And I can truthfully say that I have wasted my life. I didn't mean to but the end result is the same.

I remember thinking as a very young man that I wanted to live my life so that I wouldn't have regrets when I was old. I'm not old, but I have so many regrets already. I'm angry because I have so many regrets.

I'm angry that I have to say I'm sorry, and forgive me, numerous times a day. I'm angry because no one really knows the real me. I'm angry because most people really don't want to know who I really am. I'm angry because one of my daughters is such a jerk at times.

I'm angry because so many things that I thought were the truth are not true. I'm angry that I was brainwashed as a child in the church I grew up in. I'm angry that I haven't always thought for myself. I'm angry that too many times I've been a follower instead of a leader in regard to religion. I'm angry that I have zero qualifications to be a leader. I'm angry because I think God is always out to get me. I'm angry and afraid because if I get what I deserve, God will judge me harshly and send me straight to hell. I'm angry that I can't seem to change all this stuff I'm angry about.

I'm angry because I'm still addicted to porn. I'm angry because I have so little self control. I'm angry because I am so impulsive. I'm angry that I have no regard for tomorrow. I'm angry that I live just for today. I'm angry that I have no common sense at times.

I'm angry.]]> http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19667731/ Tue, 25 Mar 2008 07:41:06 -0700 http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19144217/ http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19144217/
This is not really a blog entry although I'll probably wind up placing it on my blog. I'm trying to write some things that I have a hard time explaining verbally. I've talked about this some on my blog but I need to do a better job explaining what is on my mind. I think my psychiatrist needs to know about this.

I feel that there are two entities inside me. These two sides are not compatible with each other. At one moment, I'm a very religious, faithful, servant of Jesus Christ, the next, I'm the exact opposite. I don't understand this.

First of all, my religious faith is important and real to me. I am a conservative Christian with high moral standards. I am very kind, very gentle, empathetic, sympathetic, truthful, generous, I give to the poor, prayerful, saying my prayers every night before going to bed. I feel God's grace when I pray and I have a grateful heart for all his blessings. I'm thankful for my health, I'm not hungry, and I have a roof over my head. I'm not alone since my mother is still with me and I'm very thankful for this.

What I find so startling and scary is the way I can flip in a moment to a person of no morals, dishonesty, narcissism, selfishness, and unbridled lust. My actions that follow the change in mood are unbridled. My passion has no limit. There are virtually no limits on what I may do and the deviant thoughts I have can never be put into words. Some of the thoughts and fantasies are so horrible that I can't believe my mind would work this way. Yet it does. And no, I'm not going to tell you what those thoughts are.

These two sides of me are totally polarized. There is no bridge between the two sides. There is no common ground. One does not gently merge into the other. It's like someone flips a switch and I change instantly. The conservative side of me can never accept the bad side of me. The bad side hopes for salvation, but can find no way to change who or what I am.

The two sides are like night and day. I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. That old movie really explains the dilemma I'm in. Except mine is not caused by external stimuli.

The bad side has been slightly more dominant for the last 40 years and I carry so much guilt and fear from the past that it is hard to manage. I've had the two sides fighting so hard against each other. No one ever totally wins. They each have their moments of dominance.

There is no peaceful coexistence. It's constant warfare. These two entities have nothing in common. However, occasionally my bad side will take a moment to be kind - occasionally. But generally when one is in control, that side dominates until a trigger is pulled and the other one steps out of the shadows. I can be evil one second, and pious the next. There is no gradual switch from one to the other, it usually happens very fast and the transition is in a fraction of time.

I have fought this battle for so long, since my childhood. I will pray, I will fight the terrible thoughts that come into my head, I will fight the lust, the selfishness, I will fight it until I'm exhausted. I feel that my mind is under a brutal assault that demands I let my self go and embrace the evil. But once it starts I can't stop it. There have been a few times when I was able to fight it successfully but it is rare. I feel so helpless against this bad side. I have fought it so hard I would almost get physical in trying to keep the good side of me in the dominant position. Then I would get so weary because the assaults just won't stop. I'm finally exhausted till there's no fight left in me and I just give in to it. And, of course, I then regret it later.

I am afraid to acknowledge what I'm writing. It has scary, terrible implications for me.

Which one would you like to talk to today?]]> http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19144217/ Sun, 23 Mar 2008 09:45:56 -0700 http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19076103/ http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19076103/
Whoever said life was unfair? Not me. That's a recipe for wimps. If life were fair, boredom would be the status quo for all.

I've thought about this question and I always come up with the same answer. Life is neither fair or unfair because it does not distinguish between fairness and unfairness. It just does what it will do. It rains on the just and the unjust. Time and circumstances happen to everyone. Sun today, tornadoes tomorrow.

So has life been unfair because I'm mentally ill? Read my blog and decide for me. I never asked to have a problem. I never asked to have a skewed view of life. A screwed view of life? Fairness is what happens to the lucky. Roll the dice and see the results. I've seen people who seem to float through life without serious problems. Don't tell me you haven't seen these people because I know you have.

It seems that often time and circumstances, coincidences, and complexity all form a conspiracy to prevent that lucky individual from having the difficult crises I have grown accustomed to.

However, there are advantages to living from crisis to crisis. For instance, how many of you can say that for sure there will be a high point by tomorrow? How many of you go through your mundane, mediocre days with absolutely nothing to stir the soul and stoke the fires of creativity or chaos? How many of you can say that your heart pounded with vigor because of a stimulus that sucks the breath from your body?

For me, crises are a way of life. As I mentioned in a previous post, I've been married six times and am currently divorced again. I've been married more times than most people have had sex partners. Does this make me an expert on marriage? Actually, the rational, common-sense side of me says I have a lot going for me when it comes to knowing how to have a relationship with a woman.

The problem is that my rational side does not dominate. The mood swings, the ups and downs, the "voices" and the wild rampages of my mind tend to smother my common sense and rationality. And this is the real reason for living from crisis to crisis.

Am I truly and factually influenced by a chemical imbalance or am I just in the habit of living life on the edge? I must admit when life gets to quiet I'm uncomfortable with it. By that, I don't mean to say that I intentionally cause havoc to break out, but mediocrity scares the hell out of me.

Would you rather be boringly healthy or wildly bipolar and schizophrenic? I must say that when I'm swinging from one mood to the next I certainly am not covered in mediocrity. I'm rejuvenated by the attention I get and the reputation I have gained.

Reputation. Now there's a meal in itself. My reputation says that I can never start over with life. There are no new beginnings for me. I have used up all my chances for a balanced life (without mediocrity too, I must add). I've used up all my chances to have an agreeable wife, a career, and a stable home. Does this bother me? Of course, it bothers me. I feel as if I've shot so many bullets I've run out of ammunition. Except for one bullet. That last one is for me should I avail myself of that option.

thebipolarblogger.com [thebipolarblogger.com] ]]> http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19076103/ Sat, 22 Mar 2008 09:35:54 -0700 http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19044644/ http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19044644/
So, by now you know how I lost my virginity and my condom. After our first time, No. 1 and I had sex every chance we could get. I had dropped out of school and was on my first job and so I only got to see her once a week. Sometimes she would come down (its was 60 miles from where I lived and worked to where she was in college) and sometimes I would go to see her.

She lived in the girls' dorm so obviously at that time, we couldn't have sex there. So the first time I pulled something really stupid happened on one of my trips to see her. She was at a friend's apartment and no one was there. So this gave us an excellent opportunity to make love. I had no condoms with me so I thought I would just pull out of her when I came. That was fine with her. We began to make love and as I came closer to orgasm I realized that if I pulled out I would come all over this guy's sheets. That was not good. When I was close, I pulled out. But by then I was too far over the edge to stop - so I rammed myself back inside her and came in her. This was our first time to do it without a condom. Unfortunately, I found that I loved it with no condom on so you can imagine what happened. It just became very convenient to just leave the condom off. We both remember the night we think she got pregnant. We were making love in the car and I had a handkerchief and I figured I would pull out when I was ready and catch the cum in the hanky. But of course, when the time came I just stayed in her. And that appears to be the night she got pregnant with my oldest daughter.

It took me a long while to figure it out, but the truth of why I had quit using condoms became apparent to me. If you remember my early upbringing (posted in my earlier rants), obviously any kind of sex was a sin. So in my naivety I began to assume that she was a bad girl and therefore not fit for marriage to me. Of course, I conveniently left out the part that showed I was doing exactly as she was. If she was immoral, I was immoral. But that didn't enter into my thinking at the time.

She wanted to get married and I knew way down deep in my heart that I didn't love her and didn't want to get married. However, she was very manipulative and knew that I had hangups and a lot of guilt about all that I just described. So she put the guilt trip on me. In my rational mind, I knew I would not marry her, so I firmly believe I got her pregnant so I would have to marry her. Somewhat twisted thinking, eh? But that's what you get when you're bipolar. Rationality is not the name of the game.

When we knew for sure she was pregnant we were married, over my parents' strong objections. We were both 19. Married life for the first week was really neat. I was out from under my parents' strictness and was getting laid every night. Pretty good setup. I was working every day and I had told her she didn't have to work. She would keep the house and I would make the money. Not an unreasonable arrangement. At the end of the first week, I realized that all the boxes we had moved with were still unpacked and piled all over the apartment. I made a very big mistake of asking her why she hadn't unpacked all the boxes and put the items away. I didn't think this was an unfair question to ask. After all, I was working hard every day, and she wasn't doing anything. I regretted asking that question for 10 long years.

She went absolutely nuts on me. She began to complain about how I didn't appreciate her and why was I asking her about the boxes. Then she really got wound up and began to yell and scream. Pretty soon she was shrieking at me. I'm standing there at a total loss. I am so shocked I can't say a thing. What had I done wrong? I was introduced to a girl I'd been having sex with for a year but never knew. This was the pattern of our decade long marriage.

Walking on eggshells became a way of life for me. However, this wasn't the worst of it. When I got tired of her screaming at me about some innocuous matter, I would get angry and tell her how unreasonable she was. This just made her madder. Then she began using her teeth, her nails, hands and feet. She would bite me, kick me, scratch me, hit me and all the time I'm wondering what in the world had gone wrong?

Growing up, my mother and father NEVER had harsh words for each other. I was not used to fighting and arguing, except with my brothers and that's another thing altogether. I naively assumed that our marriage would be that way. That we would get along and work together. That she would be the sweet and agreeable girl that she had always been with me. But somehow, when we got married, some kind of switch was pulled in her mind and I faced the full force of her personality. I was not a push over and was not a weakling. I answered everything she threw at me.

To be continued...

thebipolarblogger.com [thebipolarblogger.com] ]]> http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19044644/ Sat, 22 Mar 2008 08:59:19 -0700 http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19043726/ http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19043726/
The articles I've written previously are over a two-year period. A lot of things have changed since then. I enrolled in school, trying to get a career on track. However, I've subsequently dropped out. Just couldn't handle it. It's just another failure amidst all the others. Just couldn't keep it all going. But I don't regret it. It's over.

I've decided to write this blog because I'm tired of keeping this all inside. I have a mental illness. I'm bipolar, schizophrenic, and have borderline personality disorder. My mental health is in a sad state. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. I'm sharing my history with you because all of it combines to make me who I am. I wouldn't be in the place I am without my upbringing. Maybe I would be dead, because in spite of the struggles I've had with religion, it is something that brings hope. Maybe without some hope along the way, I would have already taken my life. My problem, right now, is I'm running out of hope.

I mentioned earlier about my sexually precocious childhood. At a very early age, I was experimenting. I began with myself and soon found the delight of self-pleasure. I was so young and innocent but sex was this alluring mystery that kept calling me.

I'm not writing this to be prurient. I'm not trying to write eroticism. I'm only trying to express my history to better explain the effects of my mental illnesses.

I began experimenting with some of the neighborhood boys and participated every chance I got. If they didn't initiate it, I would. We never really did anything with each other, only rubbed and played around. Nothing serious ever happened for a long while.

I would masturbate daily, sometimes seven or eight times a day. I was so hungry for sex I would put it before anything else. I don't know why I felt this way when I was probably six or seven, but I did. I began to play with my female cousin who was very agreeable to my sexual advances. And so I branched out into playing with girls. I was still a virgin and remained that way until I was much older, but, of course, that didn't stop me from playing with others or with myself.

I would look at every ad to see the women in their lingerie, look at movies on the television, anything to view women to stimulate my sexual urges. I would masturbate in the restroom looking at catalogs or magazines. I didn't have any magazines that showed naked women but Sears or Penny's would always have a section for ladies underwear being modeled so I took serious advantage of that.

There were two instances that really stand out in my mind during this time. I was in the restroom masturbating when I heard my father heading my way. He came in the restroom and there I am. I shoved my cock down between my legs, hard as a rock. He actually didn't catch me playing with myself, but he asked me why I was so red, "down there." I don't remember what I told him, but he warned me against playing with my "thing" and I of course said, okay, Dad. Close call on that one.

Another time I was in the restroom masturbating with a pinup photo of a girl sitting on the tub which was right beside the toilet. I heard the floor creaking but thought it was just the house settling. Suddenly, the door flew open and there was my brother, and there was me, rock hard in all my glory. He started screaming "I caught him, caught him," while derisively laughing uproariously. That really got to me. I had no idea at the time that my brothers probably did it too. I was just so humiliated.

Sexual play dominated my thoughts throughout my childhood. I was obsessed with it. Nothing I enjoyed equaled the pleasure of sex. What amazes me is the crazed desire for sex when I was so young. I honestly don't remember a time when I didn't sexually play. This obsession has stayed with me throughout my life and there is so much more to tell.

If you read this and are offended, I don't know what to say. I can't say I'm sorry because I'm not. This is just me and I have kept things inside so long, I want them to come out.

thebipolarblogger.com [thebipolarblogger.com] ]]> http://tjndaltx.stumbleupon.com/review/19043726/