StumbleUpon | manateemullaney's blog posts

http://manateemullaney.stumbleupon.com/review/27841686/

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 15:07:01 -0800

At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is...having friends.
At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is...having sex.
At age 35, success is...having money.
At age 50, success is...having money.
At age 60, success is...having sex.
At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is...having friends.
At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.

http://manateemullaney.stumbleupon.com/review/25064989/

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 09:56:59 -0700

Penis Contest
Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"

The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

http://manateemullaney.stumbleupon.com/review/23778960/

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 10:49:43 -0700

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

http://manateemullaney.stumbleupon.com/review/23778637/

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 10:36:23 -0700

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(This is OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

http://manateemullaney.stumbleupon.com/review/22396280/

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 09:36:32 -0700

best of craigslist > s.f. bayarea > Thanks, Mr.Hipster Record Store Clerk.
Originally Posted: Tue, 26 Feb 17:25 PST
Thanks, Mr.Hipster Record Store Clerk.
Date: 2008-02-26, 5:25PM PST

Dear Hipster Record Store Clerk,

Thank you for judging me on the CD I bought yesterday. Our passive-aggressive altercation made me realize how conformist I am for buying an old Rage Against The Machine album. Your condescension was just the intellectual wake-up call I needed.

I discovered a new me yesterday, and my eyes were opened in a new way. Thanks to you, I realize now that the key to enlightenment is reading Pitchfork, watching High Fidelity, listening to Velvet Underground, having a tattoo of a star on the inside of my wrist, growing an ironic mustache, living in the Mission, and wearing a too-small sweater, multi-colored 70's ski-vest, chunky plastic-frame glasses, a high school sports T-shirt, air-tight black jeans, and Nixon-era Chuck Taylors.

I had it all wrong, man. You showed me that a skilled job and a comfortable living is just a lie. I need to go to art school, have my parents pay my rent, join a Joy Division-influenced band, and wait for a record deal, like you. I'm totally missing out in life.

So thanks again for mocking me. I mean, at first I thought you were just a pathetic, frustrated musician trying to feel better about yourself. But now I see you're an uncompromising visionary.

No one will ever understand you. You're so different.

Signed,

Everyone Not Like You

http://manateemullaney.stumbleupon.com/review/22344581/

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 17:24:50 -0700

Best Irish joke of 2006 (allegedly)

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night".

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

http://manateemullaney.stumbleupon.com/review/22279831/

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 10:40:07 -0700

A couple in their seventies went to a sex therapist's office in Melbourne..

The doctor asked, 'What can I do for you?' The old man said, 'Will you watch us have sex?' The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple had finished, the doctor said, 'There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex,' and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally the doctor asked, 'Just exactly what are you trying to find out?'

The old man said, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $170. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Is Australia great or what?'

http://manateemullaney.stumbleupon.com/review/22279801/

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 10:38:30 -0700

best of craigslist > rhode island > To the stupid bitches at Walmart that assumed I stole their phone
Originally Posted: Sun, 13 Apr 14:47 EDT
To the stupid bitches at Walmart that assumed I stole their phone
Date: 2008-04-13, 2:47PM EDT

You know who you are. You and your skanky friend entered the ladies room at Walmart, apparently looking for a cellphone you lost because you're a moron. I washed my hands, and upon exiting the restroom I said, "Excuse me," since you clearly had no intention of moving your fat ass out of the doorway.

I proceeded to look at some shirts in the womens' department, when suddenly you two white trash tramps came RIGHT over and stood oh, maybe, 3 feet away from me, glaring. The porkier one of you two (the one with the mustache) then took out your cellphone and obviously dialed the lost one's number in hopes that suddenly my bag would ring your familiar ringtone- probably Shakira or Lil Kim. I couldn't believe you had the audacity to be such stupid hos. Not only did you make no attempt to be discreet, but you were blatantly rude and insulting.

Why the fuck would I want your cellphone? I'm all set with 19yr old punks calling me for blowjobs. I also don't have any interest in receiving phone calls from probation officers or Planned Parenthood. If I did find a cheap-ass phone probably in a pink case, covered in stickers- there's a damn good chance I'd return it to the "Lost And Found," assuming I'd even give a shit enough to do that. I'm sure that's a far-fetched concept to you, considering if it were the other way around, you'd probably pawn a lost phone as fast as you'd jerk off a homeless guy that offered you a cigarette.

Next time you immediately jump to conclusions because of your own stupidity, go back and check the aisle with vaginal cream and douches first; you probably left your phone there. You must have found it shortly after, because you were no longer up my ass, skanking up my personal space. Either that, or the dollar store was having one hell of a sale that you couldn't pass up.

Screw you both.

http://manateemullaney.stumbleupon.com/review/22040571/

Sat, 31 May 2008 11:30:27 -0700

Cocktail Recipe: Buttfucked By A Irish Transvestite In A Roadside Ditch During Hurricane Katrina Add to My Drinks
2 oz After Shock, Red
1 oz Jameson Irish Whiskey
2 oz Bailey's Irish Creme
1.5 oz Orange Juice
2 oz Grapefruit Juice

http://manateemullaney.stumbleupon.com/review/20730874/

Thu, 01 May 2008 16:13:30 -0700

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge." she responded.
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on Cop's face.......... PRICELESS