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Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:28:30 -0700

I Will Not Fall In Love

But I would enjoy following in love :)

Finding a good lead is the hard part. Here are a few snippets from the dance of life.

Dude: "Wow, you're a good follower."

JNET: "Thanks."

Andthen off they go and I am left to fend for myself on the dance floor.Later I will hear that I didn't get to dance again simply because Ididn't ask. The world has gone upside-down where men are the oneswaiting on girls to lead them.

Dude: "I had a really good time with you and would like to go out with you again."

JNET: "Sure, that would be fun. Make a plan for when I return back in town."

Dude: "Make a plan? You're going to make me think?"

JNET: "No pressure. Don't bust a brain cell over a date."

Ican easily plan everything. The main thing I want to plan in my life isto find a man with initiative and creativity. It has mystified me thatI enjoy strong, generous and emotionally creative men in my family andamong my dearest friends but an admirer that starves me out is ansurreal thing. N. succinctly put it this way.... You cannot swim deepin a shallow pool.

Dude: "You are amazing, intelligent and beautiful. You should be taken care of. I want to take care of you."

JNET:"Aw.... that's sweet of you. Thank you. You can do a better job oftaking care of me by first paying me the money you owe me for thefreelance writing job I did for you.

There is nothing moreattractive than a man with a direction. But when they have to stop toask you where to go and how to get there... What are they saying aboutthemselves? How shall I follow a lead when they make me feel vulnerableand not safe. I am not asking for perfection but I am hoping that theywill do something to make me forget that they tripped and lost theirfooting. Make it a pleasant trip. Something really FUN to write about.

Dude: "You're too picky. You should say yes. Love is about making someone else happy."

JNET: "True. But I wouldn't choose a miserable sod when I am already enjoying my life. I follow the fun."

Andam intrigued by the interesting. Touched by those with depth andsensitivity. Moved by the inspired and passionate. And admireintelligence, discernment, and leadership.

Qualities I alreadyenjoy from my family and friends. Why would I settle for somethingless? When my own girlfriends are already strong and ambitious, thelast thing I want to bring up is that the guy who likes me is wearingthe dress.

Maybe some guys think they look good in a dress?Maybe there are lots of girls who find it attractive and its just notmy thing. To each his own.

I'd like to be the one to enjoy wearing the dresses.

JNET

http://jnetsworld.stumbleupon.com/review/37221721/

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:26:20 -0700

What's the Catch? Catch Me

I want to land on a cloud.

That is happy for my tight rope adventures.

To study dance is.... like eating vegetables.

Ilive in my head and yet my dance coordinators encourage and coach me asI work on how to technically put myself out there.... on a stage...with lights... costumes... make-up... the whole nine yards. I amleaving in a week for Acapulco to dance at the La Nao Festival.Going to dance rehearsals is like going sky-diving every week. Doingthe big gigs pushes me beyond fears. There is no room for mis-steps ina shark cage. Being able to perform on a big stage before a huge audience is humbling.

Thenuts and bolts of why I have shown up despite myself are the peoplethat spend time with me and get in my head and help me be graceful withthe choreography of life. And I think its the genius of these peoplethat inspire giddy nervous souls to create art out of the likes such asme. They know how to get in my head and encourage me to move.

Idance on account of people who know how to get inside my mind. I do notbudge when annoyed. But inspire me and I will dance... or write... doanything perhaps.

B has been spending time helping me not onlylearn my dances but also letting me know what I am doing right. Andthen he leaves me alone to my work and when I return, I go to him againfor coaching. Its nice to be given space so that I can return and beable to state that I love the dance.

And what does he do afterknowing that I love the dance? He makes an anchor so that I really ownthe dance. B's a good teacher among other good coaches. He makes medance. And then he finds the next thing to build me towards.

And that is how I understand loving anything and in this case, dance.

Saysomething to get in my head and act out of love and I dance. Bully meso much - I will look forward to silence and refuge because I see inplain painful sight actions out of ego and not love. I will stand still.

I am used to landing on clouds.

JNET

http://jnetsworld.stumbleupon.com/review/36606174/

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 20:57:53 -0700

Art in the Making

Jnetsworldis a busy and intricate world. I manage by analyzing the details... andhave a special romance with subtleties... those delicate measures ofexpression.

Maybe I was built this way... after a lifetime ofstudying art in various mediums. I delight over technical demands,studying line and form, shadow and light, choice of words, choice ofdynamics, composition, choosing emotions, being emotive...

Andthen there is the practice of showing up, and knowing my work, keepingintegrity with an ensemble and keeping integrity with my goals, mycoach, my director, my producer; my mentors.

Seeing that mywhole life has been dedicated to creating art that is performed andunder critical eyes and ears... being great and good at what I do isparamount; not only on stage but also at home.

And I think it isridiculous when I am criticized and called "someone who is afraid ofcommitment." It is a very rare complaint and usually by someone whodoesn't know me very well. It is also not a very winning "compliment".

Howcan I be described as fearful when I am the girl who's jumped out of aplane and recently, took a shark cage down to take pictures of sharkscircling around me? How can I possibly be fearful if I am willing toexpress myself with a mindfulness of purpose and intention?

I donot understand how people justify using criticism, guilt, harrassment,belittling, or patronizing talk as a way to win favor and love... thatis not art.. that is insanity.

The only other reason I canthink of someone getting into a shark cage, if fear-lessness is not anoption... is stupidity and I don't think I am stupid.

JNET is NOT AFRAID.

What reality can be understood and enjoyed from that?

ThankGod, I am blessed with many winning compliments elsewhere and in aworld that is always growing and evolving, these "smiles from God"confirm that I am exactly where I need to be. I can't understandeveryone's world. I can only understand mine. And where and how itconnects to others is art in the making...

JNET

is NOT AFRAID....

http://jnetsworld.stumbleupon.com/review/36502812/

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:06:33 -0700

Crushed Petals

Mymother had a habit of saving flowers that had significant meaning toher. I would find the occasionally random flower pressed between pagesof a book. It would be a nice surprise and mom would be happy to tell astory about the flower.

It's nice to think of loved ones through the little momentos they leave.

But what do we do with something the opposite of those pressed flowers?

SomeoneI was dating but did not feel ready to consider for a seriouscommitment decided to leave behind momentos that do not inspire warmfeelings from me. Behind photo frames, he took the time to writehurtful commentary. And very recently, in my own computer, I found thathe wrote a journal spanning almost half the year, complaining about me.

Andyet, he gave me flowers and smiled and did things that made me feelvery surprised to find his terrible thoughts calling me fearful anddivided. He was also angry that I take all my friends to my favoriteplace, the Huntington Gardens because he wanted to call it our place.I've been going there for years with my family and friends....

Andthen he lists all the things he does for me and the sacrifices he made(though I did not ask) when he took care of me when I was sick. Hewouldn't let anyone else take care of me, not even myself.

Soinstead of having sweet memories during this time while I take sometime to myself, I have crushed bitter petals left to be found at randomplaces as I clean and organize my space. In my private space, he didnot leave sweet messages to linger over but rather bitter ones.

He left me home with his bitterness. In my solitude, left to wonder what it means.

And yet, he still says his hellos which I find hard to believe....

This is today's message from him:

Whether I'm happy or sad
Being good or being bad
I may be working or playing
Standing still or maybe dancing
It matters not what I do
I'm always thinking of you

Thinking of what? Of crushing my heart to his delight?

Here's a segment of what he left in my computer while taking care of me while sick... Something I never demanded of him....

"June 10, 2009

I had planned to go out and see friends. I cancelled my plans to take care of you because you were sick.

June 11-13, 2009

Still with you. Cancelled appointments and my weekend plans because I wanted to take care of you.

June 14, 2009

Missed the final Laker game. I missed church. All to stay with you."

Iwant to marry the kindest person I can find. I don't feel like my heartis safe with this one.... I'm sorry to find crushed petals.

JNET

http://jnetsworld.stumbleupon.com/review/36502797/

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:05:48 -0700

The Sky Suns Me

Wouldthe sky ask the flower to grow yellow instead of pink? Would the skyfault a flower's beauty as a bud? Would a flower find fault in the skyif it had too many clouds or too little?

How patient the sky and flowers are with each another.

If only people can be as complementary to one another.

Ienjoy the certainty of love from my friends and my family... whereconflicts are weathered as temporary changes of temperature that neverdestroy gardens. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is as sure as thesun returning after a dance with the clouds.

"The sky suns me." thinks the flower as it breaks through the earth towards the warmth.

"The sky suns me." thinks the flower as it is a seed and doesn't know what it is.

"The sky suns me." thinks the flower while it takes the rain.

Eventhough it may rain, even though a cold day may stretch a spell, I'dlike to feel the way a flower feels about the sky with certainly andaffection... the sky suns me. And the gray sky will turn bright again.The flower lets the sky be the sky and the flower gets to enjoy being aflower; growing to bloom season after season.

Is therecompromise in being here? Is there any lack of freedom here? Doesresentment grow in gardens? Does the sun dream of fencing in theflowers?

Of many people, I think of love like the flower.... the certainty that the sky suns me.

JNET

http://jnetsworld.stumbleupon.com/review/36502781/

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:05:03 -0700

He Hated My Romance With Solitude

Ireally missed writing. I really missed my piano. I really missedgetting lost in my thoughts and simply getting the sense ofdisappearing into my world. For a full year and then some, I didsomething very rare.

I gave up my solitude.

I gave up mysolitude in order to investigate a world called couple-hood and I foundan unsatisfying compromise. The less I wrote, the less I played thepiano... basically the less I became of myself made it all the moreurgent to put on my running shoes and make a sprint back to my solitude.

Datingwas a marathon, a whirl of social activity that first gave me a buzzthen eventually made me feel perpetually exhausted and uninspired. Icame down from the lover's high sooner than he did and scrambled in myprivate time to play catch up with myself. Writing projects fell by thewaste side as I didn't know how to continue my thoughts in erratic bitsof quiet time. Daily household activities felt overwhelming. I neededtime out days from "relating" to get things completed. On thoseevenings, I completed my photography projects as I watched the sun riseor scrubbed down the kitchen in the wee hours.

In thecouple-hood kingdom, I missed me. I missed my piano meditation, mywriting meditation; I missed those indulgent chunks of time wheredaydreaming once was a prerequisite to getting my work done. Therelationship was so consuming that I didn't want to call my friendswhen I finally had time to myself.

I really wanted to figure outthe juggling act. But I finally came to the point of choosing me andaccepting that the relationship was too heavy to carry on. I felt likeI had to ask permission to be with myself. I felt like the bad guy forwanting to show him the door. And I felt guilty for wanting to enjoybeing by myself, wanting to enjoy being in a space for nothing tohappen or a space where something spontaneous can happen.

I don't think he really loved and understood me. He never understood my solitude.

Ifhe did, he would have known that he didn't need to corner me and mytime to win me. If he understood my thoughts and my art, he might haveunderstood that he needed to get into the quiet of my mind and win meover with a thought that he inspired into my head which I would putinto my creative work.

I am free now. Free to breathe in theadventure of life and create again in the clearing. I am free again tomarvel at the mystery. And in the silence and solitude, I willeventually hear the voice of forever speak to me.

JNET

http://jnetsworld.stumbleupon.com/review/36502759/

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:04:05 -0700

Facing Sharks

I went on a shark dive while on vacation in Oahu.

M: "Were you afraid?"

JNET: "No."

Isuppose it seems like an odd thing to do, getting into a shark cage inthe middle of the ocean, considering that I do not even know how toswim.

But then, I did also jump out of a plane and I don't know how to fly.

How can I be afraid?

Iknew what I getting into... a plane, a shark cage, the open sky, theocean. I knew I wasn't exactly being a pioneer. Many others before mehad enjoyed skydiving and looking at sharks. Some people loved it somuch that they created the opportunity to enjoy these activities.

ThoughI didn't need to know how to fly or swim to enjoy skydiving or a sharktour, I trusted that no one wanted to deal with drama, dead bodies andlawsuits. I wanted an exciting experience. I wanted something memorable and something worth talking about for many years after that to happen. I wanted the "safe" and "thrilling" adventure they promised I would remember forever.

And I got just that, an experiencethat I loved, that filled me with awe and reverence, that was thrillingand will be something I will talk or write of for many years to come.

Is it worth the risk - this putting myself in the open ocean or open sky?

Is it worth the risk so to be present to beauty, awe and the sense to be absolutely in love with the present moment???

Risk doesn't have to feel scary. Risk can feel beautiful and delicious :)

JNET

http://jnetsworld.stumbleupon.com/review/36118263/

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 23:48:38 -0700

TOASTMASTERS: Once Upon A Time

Onceupon a time, the world, this world was so green and clean that simplybreathing would fill one with a sense of well-being. Brooks laughed,springs sang, and simply drinking the water made people happy. Onceupon a time, the world, this world was a planet where sickness did notexist and people grew wise and never old.

On this very spot thatI stand before you, wonderful things happened, ideas were born andcivilizations flourished. People thought and acted differently in aworld where everything was beautiful. People built tremendous buildingsin the desert. People explored the depths and dark places of the earthand found gems. People created splendid cities along cliffs. Everythingfrom what grew from the ground and from what grew from everyone's mindswas inspired.

But once upon a time, the world, this world whereno one got sick, where people were explorers and builders also sharedthe world with dragons. Of course you've heard of dragons but you haveforgotten that they were once as real as the world that was once greenand clean where simply breathing would fill one with a sense ofwell-being. You've turned their memory into a cartoon or a childishnotion. They have been written in stories through out time and paintedin castles. Their stories come from all the continents.

On thisvery spot that I stand before you, wonderful things happened, ideaswere born and dragons roamed among us. And we were at peace with themonce upon a time. But it is also on this very spot that the greatschism between the dragons and all of mankind came to be. On this veryspot that I stand before you, a dragon and a human had a conversationin which not a great city sprang though a very powerful thought. Andfrom the thought did not come a spirit of exploration or adventure butrather gave space to a new creativity a new thought; a innovative andcreative new thought of doubt and confusion. And this doubt andconfusion germinated into shame and anger giving way to summers of heatand disorder; changing the world through the seasons. This firstillness began here in the very spot. This illness upset the minds ofall that it came across that not even a mother's hugs and kisses cangive bring comfort to a beloved child fevers. We are the survivors ofthis illness and we celebrate our endurance today.

The world wasmuch bigger when it was healthy - like a plump juicy grape in the milkyway. But that world, this world is no longer that way. We are gettingstronger and maybe someday again we will not be sick and find that wecan keep growing wise and not die. And this world of illness will beanother once upon a time and that world where we one can simply breathethe air and have a sense of well being, we shall enjoy again at peaceand maybe, with the dragons.

JNET

http://jnetsworld.stumbleupon.com/review/36118235/

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 23:47:35 -0700

TOASTMASTERS: Playing With My Eyes Closed

How many of you have played games such as "pin the tail on the donkey" or perhaps have been blindfolded to hit a pinata?

"I can do it with my eyes closed."

It'sa simple and profound game which my students initiate. They close theireyes and they play something on the piano with their eyes closed andtheir head held up high. I watch them as they perform proudly.

Butis this all child's play, playing pin the tail on the donkey, hittingdown a pinata, playing the piano with your eyes closed? How many of youplay with life and do things with your eyes shut?

Good eveningfellow toastmasters, honored guests, and music students. My name isJNET and this evening I am presenting my 8th speech titled, "MasteryWithin the Darkness: A Music Lesson in Seven Minutes. I will bedemonstrating my comfort with using visual aids. But before I begin, Iput before you a quote to consider as I speak and give you a visualjourney,

"It is only with the heart that one sees rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye."

Sohow many of you "play" with your eyes closed? What is it to play inthat dark space called your mind? Is it really fun? Or is it scary?

Likethe deep end of the pool, so is learning to play and stretch your mind.You are beyond notes and staring at black and white. You are in yourhead and you are looking for the music in the dark.

What is itlike? Well, you have no where to hide your mistakes while on a pianobench. I suppose you can pretend to yourself that you didn't hear thatstring of terribly wrong notes but most likely you'll press forward andplay. And like those other childhood games, press on to get it right.Pin that tail, hit that pinata, make music and get the candy.

Mastery within that darkness in your mind is about playing a game with fear.

WhenI say fear I do not mean that emotional response to a threat. Come backto me, my student, we are simply on a piano bench. There is no need foryour survival mechanisms to rev up. There is no threat of pain ordanger.

And yet the fear of making a mistake may inspire one to not play at all or to play stilted.

Youcan't make music this way and playing Life in this matter willundermine your expression of yourself. Therefore, you practice, youknow your material. You don't need to see everything but you needvision in your head and you master the darkness in there.

Playingdoes get easier with practice and you get move on to more advancedpieces where you still practice in the darkness of your mind.

It's an interesting place to play. How many of you cannot play a sonata? Cannot?

This is my recent sonata that I practiced in Hawaii.

Ido not know how to swim but I played out anyway because I wanted to dosome underwater photography. I hit a lot of wrong notes and got a lotof blurry pictures as well as bruises from the cage. But I eventuallygot these shark photos.

My conducting professor, Dr. Cokkinias always postulated..

"Life is about practicing; preparing."

And success follows when opportunity meets with your practice.

"It is only with the heart that the one sees rightly."

Continued.

http://jnetsworld.stumbleupon.com/review/34017439/

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:50:29 -0700

Anyone in Hawaii? Anyone with stories to share?

JNET