StumbleUpon | icequeen057's blog posts

http://icequeen057.stumbleupon.com/review/26408590/

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 08:38:42 -0700

Things that always make me happy....

This was my puppy, although the photo shown was taken before I was born. He died when I was 7, but I had moved away and thought he was safe and sound at my grandmother's house. Every time I went back into town to see her, the family would tell me my puppy was at the vet, and like an asshole, I believed them. Until one day, around when I was 11 or 12, we went to visit and I got suspicious that he was always at the vet when I visited, so I asked, "He's not at the vet, right? He's dead, right?" They finally spilled the beans - they told me he had died four or five years earlier. I've never been sure how to feel about that....

http://icequeen057.stumbleupon.com/review/26390128/

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 18:31:52 -0700

Things that always make me happy....

Do not doubt the Demi/Nicole/Cara/Lynda power to go from Zero to Destroy Hotel Room With Clothes and Make Up in under 60.

This is Julie's makeup. I think that's one of my bedrooms...? This is probably from when we were shooting Idolatry. And watching Battle Royale. And Julie almost killed Tator in the marshmallow couch because he wouldn't be quiet during the movie.

Come to think of it, I wonder what happened to my copy of Battle Royale....

http://icequeen057.stumbleupon.com/review/26390105/

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 18:30:55 -0700

Things that always make me happy....

Nicole's Thunderdome boots.

http://icequeen057.stumbleupon.com/review/26390077/

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 18:30:06 -0700

Things that always make me happy....

Nicole and Julie up the banyan tree, sans wings.

http://icequeen057.stumbleupon.com/review/26390038/

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 18:28:48 -0700

Things that always make me happy....

Rene and Tator ganked Nicole and Julie's graver angel wings and mocked them by grooving out to Depeche Mode in front of a banyan tree on Clematis.

http://icequeen057.stumbleupon.com/review/13579422/

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 13:25:31 -0700

Road Trip Quotes, Part 4

"Look at the size of your beef stick."
"Hey baby, are you impressed by the size of my beef stick? Hang on a minute... I have to throw out a beef stick. This is vile. Remind me never to get a beef stick again. I had never had one. I should have kept it that way." -Demi and Jessica

"Homo, 2%, 1%, or fat free - $3.79. Fuck you and your overpriced homo." -Jessica, reacting to a sign in Butte, MT

"Phosphate. 1/2 mile." -a sign in MT

"Twilight is our morning." -Jessica

"Two Mile Road. 1 mile." -a sign in MT

"He needs some sort of focus for his ever-present general indignation. That just happened to be it at that moment." -Demi

"This farmer asshat almost electrocuted himself trying to jump the truck. What a douche." -Demi

"Old Man Asshat." -Jessica

"I hear that's a popular dish in Montana, fried asshat. Extra crispy." -Adam

"What the ever-loving monkey fuck?" -Jessica

"That is, apparently, a big pile of well-lit dirt." -Jessica

"These aren't seagulls. There's no sea here. Those are just plain gulls." -Demi, in response to a sign in eastern Washington that said "Please Don't Feed Seagulls"

"What else is there to do on a Saturday night?"
"Violently rape people and burn shit down." -Jessica and Demi, explaining Fergus Falls, Minnesota, to Jeff

http://icequeen057.stumbleupon.com/review/13579403/

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 13:24:44 -0700

Road Trip Quotes, Part 3

"Raccoons makes the best pizza. And they hordes it. THEY HORDES IT!" -Demi (We visited Austin, Minnesota, looking for the Spam Museum. In Austin, we saw a pizza shop that was called Jerry's Pizza. We were punchy so we were saying that Jerry keeps all the pizza for himself. We turn the corner and see a sign for George's pizza... and sure enough, on the sign, there is a picture of a little man with eyes like a raccoon, hording a pizza.)

"Corn is ALL."
"There is nothing but corn. Everything is corn and corn is everything." -Demi and Jessica

"I bet 90% of Minnesotans lose their virginity in a cornfield." -Demi

"Bubble of coolness keeps the corn at bay." -Jessica and Demi

"The corn howls in frustration because it cannot penetrate our coolness." -Jessica

[This is the point at which we started to go insane and write corn haiku. To read the corn haiku, click here.]

"Go, Team Moral Flexibility, Go!" -Demi

"God was my co-pilot but I crashed into the mountains so I had to eat him." -overheard by Jeff, Jessica's boyfriend, and texted to Jessica while driving through Minnesota

"The way to the chicken isn't far from the hotel." -Demi

"The big ball of twine is the crux of our insanity."
"Yes. Our madness revolves around big ball of twine." -Demi and Jessica

"Yummy Buffet."
"I don't believe you."
"Yeah, me neither. P.S. Get out of my brain. Verbatim."
-Jessica and Demi

"That would be my screen pitch for this... Demi and Jessica go on road trip. Chaos ensues."
"More like chaos unfurls and starts flapping around like a diseased chicken." -Demi and Jessica

"Step one. Ball of Twine. Step two. Fuck this. Step three. Profit." -Demi and Jessica

"I'm all up in your Minnesota, eating Combos." -Demi

"Fergus Falls is fucking CREEPY. Fuck the otter. Fuck the Kum & Go. Even the iPod got creeped out. Even the clouds are booking like they don't want to be here." -Demi

"There's no lights on anywhere. Not cars. Not buildings. It's fucking bizarre." -Jessica

"I'm locking you in the car. Don't mind my paranoia."
"You think I mind? Fuck no. I want you to lock me in the car." -Jessica and Demi

"I just saw a tunnel of trees leading back into the forest... a completely dark black tunnel."
"I'm not looking. Don't tell me. Let's just get the fuck out of here. I have goosebumps."
"Me too. Fuck this place. Let's get the hell out of Fergus Falls." -Demi and Jessica

"The whole landscape is creepy. It's completely flat with weirdly shaped plants and trees that we can see silhouetted against the glow of what I can only assume to be Fargo, North Dakota." -Jessica

"Fergus Falls is the fucking nexus of evil." -Demi

"I didn't realize there are no lights here. Like, AT ALL."
"Keep going. Don;t think about it."
"We're really in the middle of nowhere." -Jessica and Demi

"I'm driving cross country. I'm tired. i can either pull over and sleep or I can pop ephedra. Go, Team Questionable Decision Making, Go!" -Jessica

""I hear cows. Do you hear cows? they're in a truck. They sound unhappy."
"Highly." -Jessica and Demi

"I have to pee and pay for gas but I don't want to go in there. Oh God." -Jessica

"It's six again. We're outrunning the sun. We'll never see the world again. Motherfucker. Fuck you, sun. Please come back. What did I do?" -Demi

"iPod! Go back in your hole!" -Jessica

"I think it went straight to my lungs because I needed it. That's why I'm having trouble staying up. It's like when you actually take pain killers for pain!"
"You mean people do that?"
"Go figure." -Demi and Jessica

"This road has more bumps than a bad case of genital warts." -Jessica

"Enchanted Highway! It's gonna kick so much ASS! I'm STOKED!" -Jessica

"Prairie Rose Park. Hmm. Nobody cares." -Demi

"Functional bubble of dysfunctional coolness." -Demi

stay tuned....

http://icequeen057.stumbleupon.com/review/13579380/

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 13:23:31 -0700

Road Trip Quotes, Part 2

"That's the way to gauge the amount of joy in one's life - potential of propensity for snarfing." -Demi (In retrospect, this assertion holds - I'm always happiest around people who are more adept at making me expel beverages from my nose. Jessica and I have to be careful about sip timing around people like this. Small price to pay for high levels of joy.)

"Jeezertising." (This is the term Jessica and I use to refer to the high quantity of billboard space used to advertise Jesus in the Midwest.)

"I'm losing my voice. It feels like PURE CIGARETTES!" -Demi

"Look! Stereotypical barn! Wait! It has a TURRET! AAAAH! ROAD TRIP!" -Jessica

"And then these weird girls show up shrieking in my corn...." -Demi, in generic farmer voice, demonstrating the conversation said generic farmer would have with his buddies the next day if we really did decide to pull the truck over and run out shrieking through a cornfield

"Excuse me - do you mind if we run around in your cornfield shrieking?" -Jessica, coming up with a polite solution for wanting to run around shrieking on someone's property

"How does our conversation always get around to skullfucking?"
"You bring it out of me."
-Demi and Jessica

"...needs to be fucked gingerly in the eye socket."
-Demi

"Her puppy senses are tingling."
"They stopped."
-Demi and Jessica

"Damn our schools and their lack of Jesus Coming Preparedness Training." -Jessica, reacting to a road sign that said, "Jesus is coming. Are you prepared?"

"Bee A is dead. Bee B is still flying around here." -Demi (At one point on the trip, I opened my window to flick a cigarette ash and a bee flew in and landed on my shirt. Or so I thought. Jessica, while driving, pulls out a sheet of paper from the journal while I am pulling my shirt forward, still holding the cigarette. I trade her the cigarette for the sheet of paper and grab the bee with it, only to find out the bee was already dead. Baffling. When the second bee arrived, she thought I had been referring to the first... hence the quote.)

"This is Exit 10. That's a really big dead deer." -Jessica

"Pull your pants forward."
"Yeah. Physics."
"Yeah, don't pee on your pants. That would be bad."
-Jessica and Demi

"iowa is big and the iPod is obsessed with Should I Stay or Should I Go." -Demi

"Zonino!" -Jessica's cell phone, attempting to use word prediction when she tries to type in "Woo hoo!" We now use "zonino" interchangeably to mean the same thing.

"All roads DO lead to Rome!" -Jessica and Demi (So many towns called Rome in the United States... so many exits on the highway leading up to them....)

"Jes and I are on our way to Maharishi International University to see the Golden Dome of Pure Knowledge."
"Sweet, +5 int"
-Demi and Fun/L, texting each other

"Civilization. Somewhat. Many much more houses close together." -Demi

"I suspect if we could see out the windows right now we would see very little." -Jessica

"The only living people in Iowa." -Jessica and Demi, to the tune of Only Living Boy in New York by Simon and Garfunkel

"We've just encountered the Maharishi Tower of Invincibility. Clearly, we suspect it is vinclible. we are now looking for a bulldozer." -Demi

"They have white beards and pajamas. We suspect this is the uniform. If we put on sticky beards, I'm sure we would be able to see the men's dome." -Jessica

"We have our own little bubble of coolness traveling in a vast expanse of uncoolness." -Jessica

"Hills, exit one mile. Nothing. Next right." -Jessica and Demi, reading road signs

"That sign just told me a bad joke. 'Where do ghosts buy their food? At a ghostery store.' Fuck you, sign. And Iowa. Because that sign wouldn't be anywhere but Iowa." -Jessica

"You're so sad. DON'T EAT MY TIGER HEAD!" -Jessica, to Sariya (her dog), after buying a stuffed animal wall mounted bengal tiger head as a souvenir

more quotes to come....

http://icequeen057.stumbleupon.com/review/13579306/

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 13:20:29 -0700

Road Trip Quotes 10/18/07

Honestly, I never thought I could do six days in a car with another human being. Neither did Jessica. But we've proven our theory wrong. In fact, Jessica and I are so extended-period-of-time compatible that we did not manage to get even slightly annoyed with each other ONCE over the course of the entire road trip. In fact, we were more annoyed with Sariya, her dog. And that's saying a lot. Her dog is goofy, sweet, lovable, and never barks.

In accordance with my tradition, Jessica and I brought a journal along with us while we drove and recorded our more amusing quotes for posterity....

"ROAD TRIP!" (This served as our mantra... anytime anything weird, cool, or just plain interesting happened... this is what we would scream at each other. It worked notably well when used in an ironic tone in order to keep morale high when the truck broke down.)

"It's because she can't be away from the douche."
"So why doesn't she bring the douche?"
"Because the douche doesn't want to go. And she can't go anywhere without the douche."
-Jessica and Demi

"Panda Joe hasn't slept in EVER." -Demi

"One day, Seth's brother will call us and say that Seth died in a freak perching accident at age 50." -Jessica

"My... that's a lot of bacon." -Steve (This comment started Jessica's bacon cloud of surreal for the trip. The night before we left, she went to dinner with Steve at IHOP and ordered a breakfast sampler, which comes with sausage and ham, but she only wanted bacon. So, the waitress brings out a heaping massive pile of bacon. And Steve, dead pan as ever, laid this quote on her and continued to eat. Priceless.)

"PERSISTENT SNOOT!" -Demi (Jessica's dog, Sariya, likes to lay down in the back seat with her snoot on the console with one paw on each side. If she craves affection, the snoot will creep up further toward the front of the console. Since Jessica is a software engineer, we ended up terming this phenomenon "consistent persistent snoot creep." We're dorks. Deal with it.)

"We're like a bunch of weird super heroes... Demi, Jessica, 82 Pound Dog, and Crazy Cokehead Man." -Jessica

"We've got a full tank of gas, five packs of cigarettes, an 82 pound dog, a horse trailer, a bottle of ephedra, it's dark outside, and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it!" -Demi

"I have wet snoot on my arm." -Jessica

"Whoa. That's a big Bible sale... sign." -Jessica

"AAAAH! Crappy Music Ghost in the Machine!" -Jessica, commenting on the iPod's refusal to play anything we wanted to hear

"What the Fuck had a son and he lives on Stinking Creek Road." -Jessica and Demi

"Ewwww! I just stepped in a load of Waddy Peytona!" -Jessica and Demi (Often, signs would be posted with the names of two towns on one exit, one above the other. The towns were often given names of people, so it was easy to say things like, "Tyler Cheney? I hate that fucker!" In this case, "Waddy Peytona" sounded more like something you might step in....)

"I totally thought your dog was, like, croaking." -Demi

"The dog was car sick and it vomited and all I saw was red and I shrieked and jumped out of the car like FUCK - Jessica's dog is expelling its organs like a sea cucumber! I'm screaming, 'Your dog!' and she's screaming, 'My upholstery!'" -Demi

"May the bacon be with you."
"It always is."
-Joe Wookie and Jessica

"Rawwr... consult the oracle!"
"Oh Great Oracle... how do we get the fuck out of here?"
-Demi (doing the voice of the Triptik folder oracle) and Jessica

"We'll bring you back a can of pure knowledge. We swear we won't put any aphorisms in there." -Demi, talking to Jessica's mom about the Golden Dome of Pure Knowledge

"Look! A tire farm!" -Jessica

"In Iowa, there is a wormhole to Mexico and Louisiana." -Jessica and Demi

"U. Next left." -a sign in Iowa

"Mountain Dew bottle threat level HIGH!"
"JERK!"
-Jessica and Demi, after Jessica's Mountain Dew bottle threatened to attack

to be continued....

http://icequeen057.stumbleupon.com/review/13571012/

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 06:51:43 -0700

So, imagine you're in a truck, towing a horse trailer full of stuff, with your best friend and an 82-lb. dog, driving from West Palm Beach, Florida, to Seattle, Washington. In order to visit your friends and see a giant ball of twine in a gazebo along the way, your course of choice takes you through Iowa and Minnesota with nothing to your left and right but cornfields... for 600 miles.

Six. HUNDRED. Miles. Of. Nothing. But. Fucking. Corn.

To focus our depleting sanity, Jessica and I decided to write haiku....

All along the road
Nothing but corn eye can see
Corn persists always

Corn Corn Corn Corn Corn
Corn is All and All is Corn
Corn Corn Corn Corn Corn

Obscured by corn fog
My soul howls furiously
Fuck this goddamn state

Bubble of coolness
Penetrates the husked cornscape
Don't break the membrane

Ubiquitous corn
Tall crops stand at attention
The corn stares at me

Gentle rain falls softly
Gently kissing the corn ears
Corn recedes in mist

Final resting place
Surrounded by corny field
Crappy cemetery

Motherfucking corn
Everywhere I fucking look
Hate this place so much

Gray and yellow flow
Where fog ceases corn begins
Fuck. I want to die.

Silent in the fog
The corn lurks threateningly
I want to go home

Pervasive black corn.
Stop. Middle of nowhere. Stop.
I crave death now. Stop.

Trapped, creepy corn surrounds me
I scream, but no one can hear
Sweet mother of God

How many people
Have lost their virginity
Where corn ears can hear?

Sneaky corn ears eavesdrop
They tell you what they have heard
Err Err Err Grind Grind

Exit Thirty-Two
Promises Hope, salvation
But not from the corn

Graceful green and tall
Mowed down by giant thresher
Beware the pop corn

Massive corn fields weep
We drive just beyond their reach
Want our spicy brains

Swallowed by the corn
Lost souls scream in agony
Forever contained

Impenetrable corn
Borders of the infinite
It makes my brain hurt

In Minnesota
Demi and I wrote haiku
In fear for our lives

The cornscape repeats
Like In the Mouth of Madness
Give me straight jacket

Corn corn everywhere
But never a drop to drink
I'm losing my mind

We hear Robert Smith
He insists that boys don't cry
I do. Fucking corn.

Rice Lake, LOL.
This is corn country, asshat.
RTFM, fool.

iPod insistent
I wanna be sedated
Minnesota sucks

Fuck Minnesota
Fuck this fucking unending corn
Fucking shoot me now

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck
Endless motherfucking corn
Someone shoot me please

Miles and miles of corn
Now I know what real hell is
Dear God make it stop